by Roger White
Fellow time/space voyagers and other occasional devotees of “This Old Blouse,” I am more tickled than a coffee can full of dung beetles to announce the return of my dear friend, back-porch expectorational master, and legendary raconteur of the obsequious and purulent, Sir Archie Ferndoodle (applause, applause, applause).
As I’m sure you remember, the esteemed Dr. Ferndoodle holds an associate’s degree in postmodern comparative limerick studies from the University of Southern Panama’s Correspondence College and has been featured five times in the American Anthology of Poetry. Just a few of his classics include “Oh, Staff Sergeant, My Staff Sergeant!,” “Why Is the Man Always from Nantucket?,” and possibly his greatest epic, “The Squirrels Stopped Talking to Me Today.”
Sir Archie has a rare treat for us in this installment. In his inimitable style, the Fernman has taken several classic tunes from the songbook of popular culture and rendered them as his own, with updated, shall we say, acerbic lyrics so pertinent to today’s manic milieu. Or something.
Disclaimer: The Spouseman—and the newspaper/periodical/bathroom wall compendium in which this diatribe appears—doesn’t necessarily agree with the views and opinions of Sir Archie. He is his own woman, and we bear no responsibility or legal burden for his espousings. So there.
With this heartfelt caveat (and sincere attempt to head off legal action), I give you Sir Archie’s renderings. By the way, it’s important to keep the tune of Archie’s specific song choice in your head for these to make any sense whatsoever. If that is, indeed, possible. So. Archie’s first offering is called “Ivanka in the White House”:
Ivanka in the White House
(to the tune of “Drive My Car” by The Beatles)
(verse 1)
“I asked my girl where she wanted to be,
In New York City or in D.C.,
She said Daddy, I wanna be near you,
In the White House with Jared the Jew.”
(chorus)
“Ivanka, you can have the West Wing,
We’ll set you up with all of your bling,
You can sell your furs and your rings,
And Dad will tweet for you.”
(verse 2)
“Barron’s got a floor to himself,
With a team of counselors for his mental health,
But Melania and I aren’t sharin’ a bed,
So you could move in with me instead.”
(chorus)
“Ivanka, you can have the West Wing,
Or you-know-where, I won’t say a thing,
Damn, it’s so good to be the king,
And Putin, I owe you.”
“Tweet, tweet n tweet, tweet, yeah!”
Um, ok. For his second favoring, the Fernman has rendered this ditty entitled “Perry in Charge”:
Perry in Charge
(to the tune of Tom Jones’ “She’s a Lady”)
(verse 1)
“Well, I’m the Energy Top Dude,
And now solar power’s screwed ’cause oil’s my cash cow,
Yeah, I ran for president,
I told Donald to get bent, but that’s all past now.”
(chorus)
“I’m Rick Perry, woah, woah, woah,
I’m Rick Perry,
Those rumors are false, ’cause I’m no fairy,
And I’m towin’ the Trump line.”
(verse 2)
“Well, I’m not sure what I do,
But I think I make the rules on nukular weapons,
But this can’t be as hard
As Dancing with the Stars, man, I was steppin’,”
(chorus)
“I’m Rick Perry, woah, woah, woah,
I’m Rick Perry,
Renewable power’s our adversary,
Let’s build that pipeline.”
And last, and surely least, Ferndude gives us “Lysergic Wood,” which he says is his ode to psychedelic substances:
Lysergic Wood, An Ode to LSD
(to the tune of The Beatles’ “Norwegian Wood”)
(verse 1)
“I once ate a squirrel,
Or should I say the squirrel ate me,
He showed me his brain,
We baked it into a nice quiche lorraine.”
(chorus)
“We smoked purple crayons,
As the walls melted into the sea,
Then Timothy Leary appeared
And said why’d you take three?”
(verse 2)
“I played canasta with Jesus,
His Holiness beat me two games out of threezus,
Then me and the squirrel flew to Mars,
But squirrel wasn’t squirrel, he was Pat Benatar.”
(chorus)
“We smoked purple crayons
As robots made love to the cow,
Then Hunter S. Thompson said man you’re in big trouble now.”
(verse 3)
“And when I awoke,
I was in a cell with a large man named Mel.
He kept pinching my ass,
Dear God from now on, I’m sticking with grass.”
Roger White Sir Archie Ferndoodle holds an associate’s degree in comparative limerick studies from the University of Southern Panama’s Correspondence College. Sir Archie’s classics include “Oh, Staff Sergeant, My Staff Sergeant!,” “Why Is the Man Always from Nantucket?,” and perhaps his greatest epic, “The Squirrels Stopped Talking to Me Today,” For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
Ya Wanted More Fernie, Ya Got More Fernie
24 Aprby Roger White
Well, gang, it seems that the literary stylings of my old compadre Dr. Archie Ferndoodle have truly struck a chord with many of you. Since the appearance of Sir Archie’s poetic elucidations in a recent episode of “This Old Mouse,” the Oldblouse
offices have been inundated with a letter heaping praise on the feckless Fernman and further beseeching the master muse for more obtuse observations. Well, who am I to deny my faithful the mental goosefeather that so tickles their collective ulnas?
You surely know this by now, but the Doodle Doctor insists I preface his epistles with the following: The esteemed Dr. Ferndoodle holds an associate’s degree in postmodern comparative limerick studies from the University of Southern Panama’s Correspon — oh, to hell with it. If you really want to view the good doctor’s curriculum vitalis, write me, and I’ll send you a mimeographed copy.
Sir Archie, in his own peculiar patois, has taken several classic tunes from the songbook of popular culture and rendered them as his own, with his edgy, pointy-like lyrics so pertinent to today’s roiling rambunctious rutabaga world.
Disclaimer: The Spouseman—and the newspaper/periodical/bathroom wall compendium in which this diatribe appears—doesn’t necessarily agree with the views and opinions of Sir Archie. He is his own creature, and we bear no responsibility or legal burden for his verbal effluence.
Taking that into account, I give you Archie’s first offering, called “Healthcare for Millennials.” Keep in mind, you have to know the popular tune to latch these lyrics onto or none of this makes any sense whateverso. But if you’ve made it this far, sense is something you know is a rare commodity in this time/space.
Healthcare for Millennials
(to the tune of “Teach Your Children Well” by Crosby, Still, Nash, and Young)
(verse 1)
“You under twenty-one,
Will be under the gun to pay for healthcare,
By the time you reach my age,
(chorus)
“So keep your bodies well,
’Cause you’ll pay like hell to see the surgeon,
Think hard about having kids,
You’ll be on the skids, better stay a virgin.”
“No use in asking why, it’ll cost less to simply die,
Better yet you just might tryyyyyyy….
To move to Canada.”
Huzzah, Archster, well done. For his second favoring, the Fernman has rendered a little ditty he calls “Little Trumpy,” regarding the precarious existence of PBS and shows such as “Sesame Street” under the current regime:
Little Trumpy
(to the tune of Sesame Street’s “Rubber Ducky” )
(verse 1)
“Little Trumpy, you’re the dude
Who sent PBS down the tubes,
Because of Trumpy we are all royally screwed.”
(verse 2)
“Oscar lost the lease to his can,
Elmo’s turning tricks in Japan,
Little Trumpy, I’m not very fond of you.”
(chorus/bridge)
“Oh, every day when I see Big Bird in the gutter,
What a motherlubber.”
(verse 3)
“Cookie Monster OD’d on crack,
Miss Piggy’s somewhere dealing blackjack,
Oh, Little Trumpy, life’s really the pits now,
Oh, Little Trumpy, me and Bert called it quits, and how,
Little Trumpy, it looks like I’m shackin’ with you.”
Bray-vo, bray-vo. And lastly, Ferndude gives us his take on the ramifications of oilman Rex Tillerson taking over as top guy at the US State Department:
Rex Will Survive
(to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
Kept thinkin’ my ties to Russian oil I could never hide,
Friends said, Rex, why take this job, it’s a massive pay cut,
To be Trump’s head of state, you must be some kind of nut,”
“But here I am, from Wichita Falls,
Make way for ol’ Tillerson, ’cause I got some big ol’ b*lls,
I’ll go easy on the Reds,
But North Koreans I will kill,
I got a tiger in my tank, my Exxon stock’s worth 100 mill,”
“Yes, Putin and I, we will survive,
Just don’t look too darn deep in KGB archives,
We’ve got such friendly ties, so don’t you be surprised,
When Moscow becomes home to the next Exxon franchise,
Hey, hey!”
Sir Archie Ferndoodle’s classics include “Oh, Staff Sergeant, My Staff Sergeant!,” “Why Is the Man Always from Nantucket?,” and perhaps his greatest epic, “The Squirrels Stopped Talking to Me Today,” Roger White is a Ferndoodle protégé or else owes him big time. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
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