by Roger White
So it’s come to this. We Americans have gotten so bent out of shape and royally pissed off at the general state of affairs lately that both the American Psychological Association and the American Heart Association are having giant cows about the giant cows we all seem to be having. The term “don’t have a cow” doesn’t even cut it anymore—we’ve all already had our cows, and they’re all out there mooing, blocking traffic, fouling the landscape, and indiscriminately flipping their middle hooves at anybody who passes by.
In short, we’re all about one bad day away from busting a major artery or two.
Earlier this year, the American Psychological folks released their annual survey of stress in America, and the results were so off-the-chart bad that the spokesperson couldn’t even finish the press conference. Just after announcing that for the first time in its history, the survey found a statistically significant increase in U.S. stress levels compared to the previous year, the poor spokeslady clutched her chest, wheezed like Redd Foxx in the throes of “the Big One,” and fell to the floor.
The cause of all this stress? I’ll give you three guesses, but here’s a hint: Every answer rhymes with the word “dump.” Despite the tantalizing opening here for a scatological joke or two, I’ll refrain. Suffice it to say, as the American Psycho folks noted, “The most commonly shared explanation for this nation’s unprecedented stress levels involves the country’s extreme political polarization.” Again, in results never seen before, almost 60 percent of people surveyed for the study said the current political climate was a “very significant” or “somewhat significant” source of stress.
Now, what I thought was important in this bit of news is that in going further in-depth concerning the APA’s stress survey findings, an author writing in Psychology Today noted that actual political affiliations didn’t really matter—Republicans and Democrats have never gotten along very well. What mattered this year is the current chief executive’s virulent and combative behavior. To quote, “President Trump’s style is to dig in and attack opponents, rather than emphasizing compromise and unity. While this strategy may be effective in some situations, it can exacerbate conflict rather than resolve it.” Can I just insert a comment here? And that comment is: Ya think? Anyway, to continue: “This style of confrontation may be trickling down to dinner tables and water coolers, creating increasing division and anger.”
Also on board with the APA’s findings, the American Heart Association, alarmed at the recent spate of people keeling over left and right with massive coronaries, set up—get this—a Scream Booth in downtown Austin a few weeks ago. “Step in the booth, identify your stressors, and scream out your frustrations for a quick burst of stress relief and fun,” the American Heart guys wrote in a press release. They also recommended getting enough sleep, trying meditation, and “practicing mindfulness” (whatever that means), but the heart folks felt that stepping into a booth and yelling your lungs out for a minute or two might take the edge off just a little.
I, for one, am all for it. In fact, this kind of physical release really does help, if my own personal experience is any indicator. Me being an avid Texas Longhorns fan, I’ve found that opening the back door and screaming my brains out after a particularly bad ’Horns play does wonders for the ol’ blood pressure. The only problem here is, the way the ’Horns have played so far this year, all my backyard neighbors have had to pack up and leave town every Saturday.
Oh, and Lloyd Braun is right. Frank Costanza’s “SERENITY NOW” doesn’t work. Just a tip. You know what does work, though? Turn off the news. I highly recommend watching reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” and any old Warner Brothers cartoon. And Patron over ice.
Roger White is a freelance human living with his lovely spousal human, two precocious offspring humans, a very obese but mannerful dachshund, and a very dour cat with Epstein-Barr Syndrome. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com. Or not.
On America and Rome–and Dr. Pimple Popper
13 Sepby Roger White
“The decline . . . was the natural and inevitable effect of immoderate greatness. Prosperity ripened the principle of decay; the causes of destruction multiplied with the extent of conquest; and, as soon as time or accident had removed the artificial supports, the stupendous fabric yielded to the pressure of its own weight. . . .”
—Historian Edward Gibbon on the decay and fall of Rome
“Dr. Pimple Popper Pops ‘Mushy Peas’ Cyst in New Instagram Video”
—Women’s Health Magazine, August 2019
At first blush it may appear that these two quotes have about as much to do with each other as atomic theory and bacon grease, but to the keen observer inhabiting the proper frame of mind and sipping the necessary amount of espresso, the connection is readily apparent. The former is an explanation of one of an interconnected tangle of reasons for the decline of a great civilization. The latter is a symptom of same.
Throughout America’s rise to power, particularly after World War II and again with the fall of the Soviet Union, many casual historians likened the U.S. to ancient Rome, both as a comparative study and a cautionary tale. From many of these same armchair history buffs came the postulate-cum-warning that Rome fell from within. Both statements are greatly oversimplified—America is certainly not the Roman Empire; and the decline of Rome occurred for many complex reasons—however, the tantalizing prospect of a circumstantial connection between the two is too intriguing to ignore.
By the time the Huns and Vandals were threatening the very walls of Rome herself in the 5th century A.D., the empire had been degraded through years and years of decay, corruption, internal strife, and general malaise. The culture that had built the world’s mightiest civilization had stagnated. In other words, Rome had grown lazy and fat. Its armies were so far-flung across the known globe that the once invincible legions could not defend even the capital city.
I’m not holding forth that the descendants of Attila will come rampaging up Pennsylvania Avenue anytime soon, but you must admit that events and trends from within and without our great country give any thinking person pause. We, as a nation, are fat and lazy. And stupid. Most Americans don’t do much physical labor on a daily basis anymore. We are at our most overweight and short of breath that we’ve ever been. We don’t save anymore; the average American family carries about $5,000 in credit card debt—at a time when job security is at its worst in decades. We used to buy only when we had the money. Our national economy, anchored by financial institutions with questionable lending practices and regulated by insiders with personal interests at stake, teeters like a house
of cards. Our arts—literature, music, journalism, film and television—are in a state of upheaval as publishers, producers, and purveyors of news and entertainment chart confused courses in their attempts to grasp new media, often leading to drastic actions such as bookstore and music outlet closings, the demise of longtime news and publishing houses, and frustration and despair for many artists and writers. With more channels to choose from than ever before, TV now offers arguably the worst product in its history. Ironically, the great many cable choices chopped up major advertising dollars, which has prompted producers to grind out lower- and lower-budget shows in a pathetic race to the bottom. And perhaps most telling, news isn’t news anymore. It’s gossip. Or thinly disguised opinion, acid rhetoric, and vitriol aimed solely at toeing the party line.
And with an unlimited number of outlets, through practically unlimited media technology, the goal is not to inform anymore—the bottom line is to attract the most viewers with the most lurid headlines, thus, to attract the precious advertising dollars. Hence, you have an intrepid reporter filling you in on the wonderfully graphic details of Dr. Pimple Popper’s latest triumph.
Last but obviously least, our self-seeking politicians have abandoned any semblance of civil discourse to rabidly defend their
respective party planks to the complete detriment of any action toward the advance of our society. There is no middle ground anymore. Compromise—what should be the very bedrock of governing a nation—has become a dirty word. The men and women in Washington should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, yet no one among them stands to say so. And nothing gets done.
There are those historians who argue that Rome never really fell. It simply degenerated into irrelevance. Sure sounds like a cautionary tale to me.
Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a gas-powered dachshund, and a sleep-deprived cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
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