by Roger White
Fellow time/space voyagers and other occasional devotees of “This Old Blouse,” I am more tickled than a coffee can full of dung beetles to announce the return of my dear friend, back-porch expectorational master, and legendary raconteur of the obsequious and purulent, Sir Archie Ferndoodle (applause, applause, applause).
As I’m sure you remember, the esteemed Dr. Ferndoodle holds an associate’s degree in postmodern comparative limerick studies from the University of Southern Panama’s Correspondence College and has been featured five times in the American Anthology of Poetry. Just a few of his classics include “Oh, Staff Sergeant, My Staff Sergeant!,” “Why Is the Man Always from Nantucket?,” and possibly his greatest epic, “The Squirrels Stopped Talking to Me Today.”
Sir Archie has a rare treat for us in this installment. In his inimitable style, the Fernman has taken several classic tunes from the songbook of popular culture and rendered them as his own, with updated, shall we say, acerbic lyrics so pertinent to today’s manic milieu. Or something.
Disclaimer: The Spouseman—and the newspaper/periodical/bathroom wall compendium in which this diatribe appears—doesn’t necessarily agree with the views and opinions of Sir Archie. He is his own woman, and we bear no responsibility or legal burden for his espousings. So there.
With this heartfelt caveat (and sincere attempt to head off legal action), I give you Sir Archie’s renderings. By the way, it’s important to keep the tune of Archie’s specific song choice in your head for these to make any sense whatsoever. If that is, indeed, possible. So. Archie’s first offering is called “Ivanka in the White House”:
Ivanka in the White House
(to the tune of “Drive My Car” by The Beatles)
(verse 1)
“I asked my girl where she wanted to be,
In New York City or in D.C.,
She said Daddy, I wanna be near you,
In the White House with Jared the Jew.”
(chorus)
“Ivanka, you can have the West Wing,
We’ll set you up with all of your bling,
You can sell your furs and your rings,
And Dad will tweet for you.”
(verse 2)
“Barron’s got a floor to himself,
With a team of counselors for his mental health,
But Melania and I aren’t sharin’ a bed,
So you could move in with me instead.”
(chorus)
“Ivanka, you can have the West Wing,
Or you-know-where, I won’t say a thing,
Damn, it’s so good to be the king,
And Putin, I owe you.”
“Tweet, tweet n tweet, tweet, yeah!”
Um, ok. For his second favoring, the Fernman has rendered this ditty entitled “Perry in Charge”:
Perry in Charge
(to the tune of Tom Jones’ “She’s a Lady”)
(verse 1)
“Well, I’m the Energy Top Dude,
And now solar power’s screwed ’cause oil’s my cash cow,
Yeah, I ran for president,
I told Donald to get bent, but that’s all past now.”
(chorus)
“I’m Rick Perry, woah, woah, woah,
I’m Rick Perry,
Those rumors are false, ’cause I’m no fairy,
And I’m towin’ the Trump line.”
(verse 2)
“Well, I’m not sure what I do,
But I think I make the rules on nukular weapons,
But this can’t be as hard
As Dancing with the Stars, man, I was steppin’,”
(chorus)
“I’m Rick Perry, woah, woah, woah,
I’m Rick Perry,
Renewable power’s our adversary,
Let’s build that pipeline.”
And last, and surely least, Ferndude gives us “Lysergic Wood,” which he says is his ode to psychedelic substances:
Lysergic Wood, An Ode to LSD
(to the tune of The Beatles’ “Norwegian Wood”)
(verse 1)
“I once ate a squirrel,
Or should I say the squirrel ate me,
He showed me his brain,
We baked it into a nice quiche lorraine.”
(chorus)
“We smoked purple crayons,
As the walls melted into the sea,
Then Timothy Leary appeared
And said why’d you take three?”
(verse 2)
“I played canasta with Jesus,
His Holiness beat me two games out of threezus,
Then me and the squirrel flew to Mars,
But squirrel wasn’t squirrel, he was Pat Benatar.”
(chorus)
“We smoked purple crayons
As robots made love to the cow,
Then Hunter S. Thompson said man you’re in big trouble now.”
(verse 3)
“And when I awoke,
I was in a cell with a large man named Mel.
He kept pinching my ass,
Dear God from now on, I’m sticking with grass.”
Roger White Sir Archie Ferndoodle holds an associate’s degree in comparative limerick studies from the University of Southern Panama’s Correspondence College. Sir Archie’s classics include “Oh, Staff Sergeant, My Staff Sergeant!,” “Why Is the Man Always from Nantucket?,” and perhaps his greatest epic, “The Squirrels Stopped Talking to Me Today,” For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
My Plea: A Moratorium on Facebook ‘Thoughts & Prayers’
9 Octby Roger White
Those of you who’ve quasi-followed my mental droolings over the years understand that sometimes I’ll touch on a subject that’s a tad touchy. And because you know I’m not one to shy away from touching on a tad touchy subject now and again even though the touching of such can make for some uneasy touchy-feely feelings, you tolerate the touchings for the sake of a chortle or two. Maybe even a guffaw, if we’re lucky.
This, as you can surmise by now, is one of those touchy times.
It’s about thoughts and prayers. I’m sick to death of them. Not actual thoughts and prayers, if anyone truly engages in them. No, I’m referring to social media “Thoughts & Prayers.” And yes, they usually involve capital letters and an
ampersand. Jee-iminy Bob Christmas, every time a disaster/mass shooting/hurricane/Trump twitter war/Harvey Weinstein allegation happens (and these have become a daily occurrence here in good ol’ ’Murka), people race to Facebook or their social media avenue of choice to be the first to gush forth: “Thoughts & Prayers” blah, blah, etc., etc.
Now, don’t get me wrong. If in one’s heart of hearts, a terrible event such as the Las Vegas shooting causes deep reflection and pause—and one truly takes the time to put these victims and their families foremost in their mind for a time, including offering a heartfelt mental telegram to their deity of choice—then that is wonderful.
But come on, simply banging out “Thoughts & Prayers” on the keyboard, and maybe even including a warm, fuzzy emoji or two, is doing nothing more than attempting to show everyone what a great and compassionate person you are. “Look at me! See how much I care! And I keyed it in faster than you did!” If you really believe you are helping a situation by calling upon higher powers to ease someone’s suffering, then just do it. And feel good that you did it. Why broadcast it? I’d much rather read about your endless spaghetti dinner at Olive Garden or watch your cat playing the piano than suffer through another maudlin, sickly sweet “Thought & Prayers.”
To quote the Big Guy himself, I do believe Jesus touched on the pompous show of piety in the Book of Matthew, did he not? “Take care not to practice your righteousness in front of men to be noticed by them, otherwise you will have no
reward with your Father who is in the heavens. So when you make gifts of mercy, do not blow a trumpet ahead of you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be glorified by men.”
Then again, we are living in the New Age of Narcissism. One of today’s greatest narcissists spends much of his day tweeting out his personal views on everything from pro football to “Puerto Rican whiners”—and we have come to see this as normal behavior.
It could simply be that I’ve OD’d on social media. Other than the pious proliferation of “Thoughts & Prayers,” about the only thing more frustrating to me about sites such as Facebook is political rants. A completely non-scientific poll of FB shows approximately 32 billion 678 million political rants per day. And you know how many minds these rants have changed? To quote Dean Vernon Wormer of illustrious Faber College: “Zero point zero.”
I suppose we can’t turn the clock back to the good ol’ days, when Facebook was
used primarily to share uplifting things such as videos of dogs eating peanut butter or guys getting socked in the crotch by various means.
Here’s offering my “Thoughts & Prayers” that we can return to simpler times. Simpler Times for Simpler Minds. That’s my new slogan. And “T&P,” of course. Did I touch a nerve?
Roger White is a thoughtful freelance human living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely spousal human, two precocious offspring humans, a very obese but mannerful dachshund, and a cat with Epstein-Barr. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com. Or not.
Tags: Blogging, Blogs, commentary, Culture, Humor, Internet, Life, Lifestyle, Living, modern culture, Modern Living, Musings, People, popular culture, Social Commentary, Web