This Column Is Interactive

by Roger White

Yes, this column is interactive. Not radioactive, interactive. Don’t be afraid. If you push your finger on my name under the headline (this is called the byline—I know this because, well, I’m in the biz), you will be transported into a 3-D scenario from the classic James Bond movie “Goldfinger.” With Sean Connery and all that. Yes, you get to do battle with Auric Goldfinger and hang out with Pussy Galore and drive that incredible Aston Martin DB5. Hot dog! Connery was the best Bond by far, don’t you think? What were they thinking with Pierce Brosnan, anyway?

So, push on my byline. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Hah, made you try it.

No, this column is interactive in that your participation, should you be our lucky winner, could earn you a genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice!

And by genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice, I mean the itty-bitty helmets you get out of the gumball machine. Furthermore, when I say “of your choice” I mean if I have it. And, given the recent performance by my Dallas Cowboys, I’m not sure that they qualify as a National Football League team, so it’s iffy whether you can get a Cowboys helmet. Ouch. That’s severe, I know, but as a silver-and-blue-blooded fan of more than 42 years, I get some leeway here.

OK, what you have here is a list. A list of well-known sayings—as they were originally submitted to their editors. Just to show you that editors do more than grouse at split infinitives (every time Star Trek comes on and the good Captain Kirk says “to boldly go,” editors everywhere whine, “to go boldly, to go boldly”), I have for you a list of 30 sayings or phrases that never would have made the big time without the help of the humble editor. Your job is to figure out the more popular version of these little gems.

First one to e-mail me (rogdude@mail.com) all the correct answers wins a . . . wait for it, genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice! And by helmet of your choice, I mean … oh, we’ve been over all that, haven’t we?

Here goes:

1. You are not just puckering your lips and melodiously blowing a tune popular in the Old South.

2. Rap on oak.

3. Treading on chicken embryo casings.

4. Don’t inspect a free large, solid-hoofed herbivorous quadruped in its oral cavity.

5. Each canine possesses its 24-hour period.

6. His incisors snagged a somewhat larger portion than his ability to masticate.

7. Existence in the driving corridor designated for the speedier vehicles.

8. Tardy by a 24–hour period and 10 dimes fewer than is required.

9. Tossing in the bath wrap.

10. There are several procedures to de-fur a feline.

11. Well, I will be the brother of the father of a chimpanzee.

12. Sixty cents minus fifty cents per twelve.

13. Do I appear as if my mother gave birth to me the day before today?

14. Monetary units do not thrive on large perennial woody plants.

15. Sturdy as slim, flat–headed construction fasteners.

16. Adore it or depart from it.

17. He is still moist in back of his hearing lobes.

18. Just another visage in the throng.

19. Correct your posture and soar correctly.

20. The terminus of the appendage that rhythmically moves the infant bed is the terminus of the appendage that controls the planet.

21. A continuously monitored cooking container does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.

22. As correct as precipitation.

23. Chomped on one time, timid the second time.

24. Retrospective vision doesn’t require glasses.

25. A patella-twitch response.

26. A double-barreled nuptial ceremony.

27. The male deer ceases motion at this spot.

28. Feline have hold of your fleshy movable muscular organ attached to the floor of your mouth?

29. Guide me to your CEO.

30. Deceptive performance or special delight!

Good luck, players. Keep hands and feet inside the car at all times. And pick that up, for crying out loud. Who threw that?

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat daschund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.