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Wake Up Uncle Dad: It’s Mashup Time Again

21 Mar

 

 

Calm. Simmer down, people. I know very well that it’s been quite the while since we forayed into the Movie Mashup milieu. And I know that you know, based on the influx of cards and letters and e-mails and texts and pokes and tweets and twits and skypes and likes and tags and yelps and yips and things. And you know that I know that you know, because here we are, stoking the furnace for another go-round. So you see, I know you know that I know that you know. You know? And furthermore…

 

Let’s start this again.

 

MiltIf you recall, what we have here, my fellow intergalactic itinerants, is a collection of famous lines from movies. However, quotes from two different movies have been smushed together to make one confused line. Here’s a for instance: “Milt, we’re gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs to infinity and beyond. Mmmkay?” That there, you see, is a conglomeration of quotes from the movies “Office Space” and “Toy Story.” Dig? Dug.

 

Yep, it’s another installation of Movie Mashup. I should copyright this concept, so here you go. © 2017, by Me. All rights reserved by Me. Me Incorporated is a subsidiary of Me Enterprises, Norwalk, Connecticut. Any reproduction, adaptation, distribution, and/or exhibition in whole or in part are prohibited under penalty of law (and a large guy named Guiseppe) without the written permission of Me. So there.

 

So. Below (or to the left if you are perpendicular) are 20 Movie Mashups. Your job, if you choose tyike jesuso accept it, is to tell Me (see above) what two movies flirted around and had relations to produce the mixed-up quote. The first 283 people to respond with any semblance of an answer win a genuine “Jesus is Coming, Hide the Bong” bumper sticker. Seriously. If you get pulled over by the cops for displaying said bumper sticker, I will not be held accountable. E-mail Me at roger.white@tasb.org with your best guesses. Void in Iowa, Algeria, and under that bridge where the dogs wear shoes. Good luck, players. And, go:

 

  1. “Love means never having to call me Mister Tibbs!”
  2. “Mama always said life is like a box of—hey, I’m walking here! I’m walking here!”
  3. “Yo, Adrian! Wax on, wax off.”
  4. “I coulda been a contender, my precious.”
  5. “Go ahead, make my day. That’ll do, pig.”
  6. “You know how to whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and help me, Obi-Wan Kenobe.”
  7. “Hey, Stella! After all, tomorrow is another day.”
  8. “Hasta la vista, baby! The Dude abides.”
  9. “If you build it, he will just keep swimming.”
  10. “Every time a bell rings, an angel loves the smell of napalm in the morning.”
  11. “What we got here is failure to keep your friends close but your enemies closer.”
  12. “Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need no stinking badges.”
  13. “Houston, we have a problem. Is that hair gel?”
  14. “That boy is your company. And if he wants to eat up that tablecloth, you’ll let him. It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
  15. “We have a pool and a pond. The pond would be better for you. And may the odds be ever in your favor.”
  16. “The first rule of Fight Club is: I’ll have what she’s having.”
  17. “You talkin’ to me? I see dead people.”
  18. “Toto, I have a feeling we’re going to need a bigger boat.”
  19. “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”
  20. “Nobody puts Baby in a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

 

Roger White is a freelance human living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a completely unmotivated dachshund, and a cat with Epstein-Barr Syndrome. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

 

 

 

Huzzah for Hard Line on Hardheads with Handhelds! …Huh?

16 Sep

by Roger White

 

Normally, I’m not one to send out hearty huzzahs to governmental entities for actions they’ve taken, and this is likely because governmental entities these days rarely take any action at all (unless it involves evasive action from pursuing police cars, gaggles of reporters, or issues of real import). But I must say that I feel a robust huzzah coming on for the gallant move the Austin City Council made in August. The council types put their pointed noggins together and approved an ordinance banning cellphone use while driving within the Weird City Limits. So here goes. Let’s hear it: Huzzah!

 

Carl, I didn’t see you huzzah-ing.

 

I imagine that this new law, which goes into effect January 1, 2015, will be called by some shorthand name like the DWP law. Driving While Phoning. Or maybe DWT—Driving While Texting. Or we could simply stick with the term DWI and call it Driving While Intexticated. distracted dudeRegardless, label me a cappy hamper. It’s about time we put these handheld monsters in their place. I mean, crikey, time was when you saw a car weaving all over the road and sideswiping lampposts it was usually 2:30 in the morning and the driver had a handful of cheap hooch. Now, any time of day or night you can easily spy a meandering motorist, but these days he’s got his head down, engrossed in his handful of high-tech hosannas. Holy high-speed highjinks!

 

Alas, too, in the olden days, the term “distracted driving” meant that a guy was accidentally steering onto the sidewalk on Guadalupe Street because he was ogling a crowd of college coeds walking down the drag. Nowadays, it usually means somebody put his Dodge in a ditch because he was watching a Vietnamese potbellied pig play the harpsichord on Youtube. It’s insanity, man.

 

So I not only applaud the council for standing up to the mobile madness, I say we take it a few steps further. I vote we enact stiff fines, public shaming rituals, and/or jail time for the following:

  • WWT: Walking While Texting
  • WMWT: Watching a Movie While Texting
  • IYPWT: Ignoring Your Parents While Texting

And, of course:

  • CWRLPWT: Conversing With a Real Live Person While Texting

 

WWTYou’ve surely seen the videos out there of those unfortunate saps who’ve strolled into mall fountains or off sheer cliffs because of their single-minded attention to their devices. And I suppose some of the yahoos in these videos were actually watching videos of other yahoos walking into fountains or off cliffs. Gads. It’s a glimpse of infinity—the fractal geometry of the absurd. Don’t you see? Where was I?

 

Oh. Get this. The Chinese, recognizing the inherent dangers of WWT, have actually devised an urban solution. The city of Chongqing has decided to parse its sidewalks into normal human walking lanes and cellphone user lanes. Apparently, the cellphone lanes have warnings painted onto the pavement about such things as the fact that the sidewalk is ending soon, there’s a naked lady walking right next to you, and your neck could stay permanently frozen in that position if you don’t stop gawking at your phone.

 

I would guess that such walking lanes might need rumble strips or warning buzzers for the hardcore cellphone addicts who refuse to tear themselves away. Such measures may have saved WWT2the tourist in Melbourne, Australia, who walked right off a pier into the frigid waters of Port Phillip Bay recently. According to news reports, the woman thrashed about in the sea for about 20 minutes before being rescued. “There will be no need for a lost property report as the woman kept hold of her mobile phone throughout the entire ordeal,” said a local police officer. The woman’s child and two dogs, unfortunately, were never found. OK, I made that part up.

 

So, anyhow, here’s to our intrepid city council for taking a swipe at all the app-addled addicts out there. I’m with ya, pointy-noggin council types. Is it so hard for people to PUT THE PHONE DOWN? My hope is that once we move into the second phase of our fair burg’s sanctions—the laws against WWT, WMWT, and the like—that eventually we’ll develop edicts against the more grievous mobile device offenses. Such as SWT. You know. Nudge, nudge.

SWT

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

 

Austin, I Love Ya–But Enough with the Festivals Already

12 Mar

by Roger White

 

Enough. I’m festivaled out. I can’t muster the strength to attach one more day-glo wristband to my tired, old wrist.

 

Don’t get me wrong—I love Austin. I really do. I love the laid-back jeans-and-sneakers milieu; I love the true Tex-Mex food and killer margaritas; I love the endless live-music yummmselections; I love the weather (except for the kiln-like days of July and August); and I do relish the fact that li’l ol’ Austin is the one blue-tinted bastion of rational thought and human compassion amid a red sea of fear mongering and “I got mine—git yers, dammit” mentality.

 

But Austin, enough with the festivals already. As I write this, we’re deep in the throes of South by Southwest (SXSW to you hipsters), an extended music party that runs pretty much all of March. It used to be mainly a music thing, but now SXSW includes films, speeches, hipster nerd gatherings, and all sorts of interactive events, whatever that really means. Seriously, what constitutes an “interactive event”? If I get up from my desk to get coffee, and I bump into Larry at the coffee machine, and Larry says “Hi, Rog, how ’bout them Cowboys? Ha, ha, ha,” and I tell Larry to clam up, doesn’t that qualify as an interactive event? Didn’t we just interact back there? I hate Larry.

 

Anyway, this here SXSIXWI thing sucks in about 18 million people from all over the planet, and it makes getting around town a royal pain in my interactive regions. There is no place to park; every downtown bar suddenly charges ten bucks for a beer; and there are some mighty weird-looking people roaming around. Lots of them. I’m talking weird for Austin. That, my friends, is nuclear weird.

 

The one thing I do enjoy about mega-fests such as XXSWXSIW is perusing the band names. Here are a few of the outfits performing this year, I kiddeth you not: The Airborne Death by Death or somethingToxic Event, BadBadNotGood, Bass Drum of Death, Bloody Knives, Bombay Show Pig, The Creepy Creeps, Diarrhea Planet, Flosstradamus, Gringo Star, Idiot Glee, Marijuana Deathsquads, Mutilation Rites, Thousand Foot Whale Claw, Two Cow Garage, Warm Soda, The Wet Nuns, and, of course, Zorch.

 

Somehow I envision Two Cow Garage and Diarrhea Planet on the same bill, don’t ask me why.

 

However, my gentle flock, I’m not here to rail merely against SXSKXIW, but the perplexing proliferation of all these pagan parties all over my picturesque place. Man, Austin is averaging almost a festival a week, I’m telling ya. In addition to SXSW, we have the Austin City Limits Festival, the Annual Kite Festival, Star of Texas Rodeo, Circuit of ACL Dudethe Americas Formula 1 Race, the Annual Bun Run, Austin Marathon, Eeyore’s Birthday Party, Pecan Street Festival, that X-rated Carnaval Skin Thing, the Fun Fun Fun Fest, Austin Film Festival, Armadillo Christmas Bazaar, and a ton of others I’m forgetting at the moment.

 

Call me old, call me fuddy, call me duddy even, but enough with the glow sticks and the turkey legs and roasted corn and too much cleavage all over the place and waiting in line for an hour to use a porta-potty that smells like a Two Cow Garage. Sheesh. Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Well, if you don’t like the festivals, you don’t have to go, you old coot.” Right you are, but wifey and I have two teenage daughters—two teenage daughters who feel it is their duty to attend every single cotton-pickin’ happening that happens through town.

 

So guess who’s driving in the middle of all this mess, so these daughters don’t suffer the gobbler leglife-altering trauma of missing out on Diarrhea Planet or The Airborne Toxic Event, hmm? That’s right, my wife. Hey, honey, can you pick up a turkey leg while you’re there?

 

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

 

Never Won Anything in Your Life? Now’s Your Chance, Nancy

18 Oct

by Roger White

 Ah, my fellow life travelers, sometimes the gods smile. Sometimes they merely grin. Other times they smirk or give you that suspicious kind of offhand stare that makes you think you really messed up this time. Here’s a tip: When the gods stare at you like that, just act like you know what you’re doing. Laugh it up, even. This confuses them.

Well, I must say that the gods are grinning right about now because I believe it was more than simple serendipity that I happened upon a fantastic cache of tiny little college football helmets at the exact moment I realized it was time once again for another interactive column. Huzzah! And Boing, even!

You see, the last time we did this, all I had to offer as prize-ola was my handy little stash of tiny little National Football League helmets. This go-round, however, we include the college ranks. So that means that yes, you, Nancy Arbuckle of Stink Holler, North Carolina, could own your very own tiny little University of North Carolina football helmet if you are our lucky winner.

We’re upping the ante. Can you feel the tension?

If you understand none of this so far, you are perfectly normal. Do not adjust your set.

All of this pabulum and hoo-hah is merely to announce the coming of the Second Biennial Oldspouse Familiar Phrase Contest. Yea! Clang the clangers! Watch it, move aside for the marching band. Man, those elephants need a bath, yow. Gotta love a parade, though.

So here ya are. What we have here are 30 (count ’em, 30) phrases that just aren’t quite right somehow. It is your job to decipher, decode, and determine the more popular versions of these sayings. Get it?

First three humans (I will accept cats, also) to respond with the correct answers win a tiny little college football helmet of your choice! Hot dog! I mean, cat! This is more exciting than the time my sister got kicked in the mouth during a cheerleading contest at SMU and we all had to go to Parkland Hospital!

Good luck, players:

1. I got here, I looked around, I kicked some tail.

2. This is not completed until such time as the rather obese female vocalizes harmoniously.

3. What is the latest information, feline?

4. An official state of hostility between nations equals Hades.

5. Don’t mooch things off other people and don’t loan out your stuff, either.

6. Each visible atmospheric body of fine water particles contains a sterling hem.

7. Being dumb is tantamount to ecstasy.

8. I’ll take freedom or croaking.

9. I am currently wedged amidst a naturally formed mass of mineral and an area that would not qualify as soft.

10. From the surface of a shallow cooking utensil to the rapid, persistent chemical reaction that releases heat and light.

11. The domicile of a male homosapien equals that male homosapien’s fortified feudal stronghold.

12. Bequeath unto him a twelfth of a foot, and he will acquire 5,280 feet.

13. In what manners do I really, really like you? Where’s the calculator?

14. Like a cold-blooded aquatic vertebrate of the pisces class nowhere near the H20.

15. The puny, soft-spoken guys will get the third planet from the sun.

16. A threaded knot at the appropriate interval precludes the necessity for three squared.

17. There is no sense in lacrimation concerning lost liquid produced by the mammary glands.

18. A state of mutual affection equals not apologizing.

19. This 24-hour period is the initial 24-hour period of the remainder of your physical existence.

20. Hades doesn’t get as angry as an irate female.

21. The arena of public office-holding creates weird bunkies.

22. Mammalian vital fluid is more viscous than melted ice.

23. The atmosphere is the boundary.

24. Amalgamated, our posture is upright; split apart, we hit the floor.

25. The precipitation in the northern Iberian Peninsula comes down principally on the flatlands.

26. Messing up is a homosapien trait; pardoning the mess-up is godlike.

27. Devotion has no eyesight.

28. Consume, imbibe, and laugh it up, because two days after yesterday we could kick the bucket.

29. Everything being labor and nothing being recreation forces Jill’s boyfriend to become an unexciting young male.

30. Being really smug and happy with yourself precedes a sudden drop.

Ah, yes, my dear friend Ingrid informed me that I didn’t tell you how to respond.  Silly details. You can e-mail me at rogdude@mail.com. Or you can hand deliver your answers on an ungreased baking pan to 16 Shropshire Lane, Gough Island, South Atlantic Ocean OL557.

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

This Column Is Interactive

31 Mar

by Roger White

Yes, this column is interactive. Not radioactive, interactive. Don’t be afraid. If you push your finger on my name under the headline (this is called the byline—I know this because, well, I’m in the biz), you will be transported into a 3-D scenario from the classic James Bond movie “Goldfinger.” With Sean Connery and all that. Yes, you get to do battle with Auric Goldfinger and hang out with Pussy Galore and drive that incredible Aston Martin DB5. Hot dog! Connery was the best Bond by far, don’t you think? What were they thinking with Pierce Brosnan, anyway?

So, push on my byline. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Hah, made you try it.

No, this column is interactive in that your participation, should you be our lucky winner, could earn you a genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice!

And by genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice, I mean the itty-bitty helmets you get out of the gumball machine. Furthermore, when I say “of your choice” I mean if I have it. And, given the recent performance by my Dallas Cowboys, I’m not sure that they qualify as a National Football League team, so it’s iffy whether you can get a Cowboys helmet. Ouch. That’s severe, I know, but as a silver-and-blue-blooded fan of more than 42 years, I get some leeway here.

OK, what you have here is a list. A list of well-known sayings—as they were originally submitted to their editors. Just to show you that editors do more than grouse at split infinitives (every time Star Trek comes on and the good Captain Kirk says “to boldly go,” editors everywhere whine, “to go boldly, to go boldly”), I have for you a list of 30 sayings or phrases that never would have made the big time without the help of the humble editor. Your job is to figure out the more popular version of these little gems.

First one to e-mail me (rogdude@mail.com) all the correct answers wins a . . . wait for it, genuine miniature National Football League helmet of your choice! And by helmet of your choice, I mean … oh, we’ve been over all that, haven’t we?

Here goes:

1. You are not just puckering your lips and melodiously blowing a tune popular in the Old South.

2. Rap on oak.

3. Treading on chicken embryo casings.

4. Don’t inspect a free large, solid-hoofed herbivorous quadruped in its oral cavity.

5. Each canine possesses its 24-hour period.

6. His incisors snagged a somewhat larger portion than his ability to masticate.

7. Existence in the driving corridor designated for the speedier vehicles.

8. Tardy by a 24–hour period and 10 dimes fewer than is required.

9. Tossing in the bath wrap.

10. There are several procedures to de-fur a feline.

11. Well, I will be the brother of the father of a chimpanzee.

12. Sixty cents minus fifty cents per twelve.

13. Do I appear as if my mother gave birth to me the day before today?

14. Monetary units do not thrive on large perennial woody plants.

15. Sturdy as slim, flat–headed construction fasteners.

16. Adore it or depart from it.

17. He is still moist in back of his hearing lobes.

18. Just another visage in the throng.

19. Correct your posture and soar correctly.

20. The terminus of the appendage that rhythmically moves the infant bed is the terminus of the appendage that controls the planet.

21. A continuously monitored cooking container does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.

22. As correct as precipitation.

23. Chomped on one time, timid the second time.

24. Retrospective vision doesn’t require glasses.

25. A patella-twitch response.

26. A double-barreled nuptial ceremony.

27. The male deer ceases motion at this spot.

28. Feline have hold of your fleshy movable muscular organ attached to the floor of your mouth?

29. Guide me to your CEO.

30. Deceptive performance or special delight!

Good luck, players. Keep hands and feet inside the car at all times. And pick that up, for crying out loud. Who threw that?

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat daschund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.