‘To Sir, With Desire’ or ‘A Streetcar Named Love’

4 Dec

by Roger White  


I can’t tell you how outrageously enthusiastic the response was from Spouseman’s latest reader contest. Actually, I can tell you, but I won’t. And you can’t make me. I will tell you, however, that Father John Connor won going away. That’s really his name. I’m not sure if Father John Connor is actually a man of the cloth of some kind or just a really proud papa, but Father John, if you’re out there, here’s to a job well done. If you had Help From Above, I don’t want to know about it.


Now, whether Father John enjoyed the bumper sticker I sent him for winning the contest is a whole other matter. The bumper sticker, a life-size replica of which will be awarded for this contest, reads as follows: “Jesus is Coming. Hide the Bong.”


Anyway. You guys seemed to get a kick out of the Movie Mashup Contest, so I figured (1) in the interest of satisfying my rabid readers and (2) since I can’t think of anything daggers daggers daggersremotely humorous this week other than poking fun at the comically menacing faces John Boehner makes at President Obama when Obama’s not looking, I will present to you Movie Mashup II 3/8ths!


What we have here, fellow catnip cosmonauts, is a collection of famous lines from movies—however, quotes from two different movies have been squished together to make one line. Here’s a for instance: “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in the Matrix anymore.” This is, quite obviously, a collision of “The Wizard of Oz” and “The Matrix.” Get it, man? No? Okay, here’s another one: “My precious goes all the way to eleven.” That’s a combo platter of “Lord of the Rings” and “This is Spinal Tap.” Or as I call it, “Lord of the Spinal Rings.”


So. Below (or above if you’re reading this upside down) are 20 Movie Mashups. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to tell moi what two movies got cozy and had relations to make the mixed-up quote. The first 18,427 people to respond with any semblance of an Honestly, Georgeanswer win a JICHTB bumper sticker. If you get pulled over by the cops for displaying said bumper sticker, I will not be held accountable. E-mail moi at rogdude@mail.com with your best guesses. And your PayPal account number. Void in Nebraska, Terre Haute, and in that little gin joint over by 5th Street.


Here goes:

1. “I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little dog, Gipper, too.”

2. “Hasta la vista, Adrian.”

3. “I feel the need—the need to put Baby in a corner.”

4. “Houston, we have a box of chocolates.”

5. “If you build it, he will phone home.”

6. “What we got here is failure to make my day.”

7. “You can’t handle the napalm!”

8. “They call me Mister Rosebud!”

9. “I’m going to make him fava beans and a nice Chianti he can’t refuse.”

coulda been a contendah10. “You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been Stella. Hey, Stella!”

11. “We’ll always have an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”

12. “You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I see dead people? Well, do ya, punk?”

13. “Either get busy living or get busy trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”

14. “There’s no crying in hakuna matata.”

15. “Greed, for lack of a better word, is shaken, not stirred.”

16. “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to need a bigger boat!”

17. “Dammit, Jim, I’m a country doctor, not on a mission from God.”

18. “Hoo-ah! Schwing!”

19. “Is it safe, Bueller?”

20. “What is your major malfunction, Scarlett?”

BONUS: “Earn this, McClane.”


Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

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