by Roger White
“Oh, I used to be disgusted,
And now I try to be amused…”
—Elvis Costello
“Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.”
—Commander Buck Murdock, Airplane II, The Sequel
Floating far above the clouds somewhere over the Great Plains, a gargantuan monolithic door composed of a mysterious synthetic skin slides silently up, and the great silver 
mothership swallows a lozenge-shaped shuttlecraft.
Reconnaissance Specialist Zorbum 9Smith exits the shuttlecraft and immediately reports to Captain Vnnn-pu. After the traditional Andromedan earlobe-sniffing ceremony of greeting, Specialist 9Smith readies for the debriefing.
“9Smith,” Captain Vnnn-pu mindmelds, “your mission was to observe this planet’s most advanced, most powerful nation and report on your impressions of its culture. What are your findings?”
“Honored Captain, if you would open your mind to Subchannel Y, I have prepared a Mental PowerPoint presentation,” 9Smith melds. “I believe you will be most intrigued, as was I. Please disregard those first two slides. That is me at a ritualistic labor ceremony of the Western world.”
“What is this ritualistic labor ceremony called?”
“The happy hour,” 9Smith reports. “Work force representatives convene at small, local shrines to partake of what I can only presume are holy elixirs, plot overthrow of their labor overlords, and perform pre-mating functions with work force representatives of the opposite sex.”
“I see. The gyrations are quite peculiar. And what is that device on your subcranium?”
“That is termed a lamp shade,” 9Smith melds, referring to his notes. “Apparently, this is a sacred crown worn during the advanced stages of the happy hour ceremony.”
“Good.” Captain Vnnn-pu nods, mentally smiling. “You must have gained their trust to be honored so. And your report?”
“This is a land of many ironies, Captain. And I know how a good irony sets your drachio-chords to vibrating.”
“Yes, yes. Juicy irony.”
“Observe your mindscreen, Captain. These are just a few examples:
“In this culture, personal vehicles that would save the most currency for drivers—vehicles the earthlings have finally invented to run without using deceased dinosaur fluids—are priced out of reach for those drivers who would need the currency savings the most.”
“Most odd,” Captain Vnnn-pu notes.
“It becomes worse,” 9Smith melds. “Domestic energy alternatives, such as solar panels, energy-efficient windows and doors, and appliances that cost the least currency to operate—and even longer-lasting, currency-saving light-producing modules—are the very things the poor among this society cannot afford.”
Captain Vnnn-pu mentally sighs. “Continue.”
“It seems that humans who operate their personal vehicles the fastest on earth streets and highways are generally the humans least qualified to drive at any speed.
“Further, the media with the most power to influence humans in this culture—movies and television—and would therefore obviously hold themselves to the highest standards of storytelling, worthwhile entertainment, and adherence to the principle of doing the most good for the most people, instead regularly produce such products as ‘Booty Call,’ ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’, ‘Deuce Bigalow,’ ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians,’ and ‘The Jerry Springer Show,’ to name just a few.”
Captain Vnnn-pu shudders, his drachio-chords humming.
“Also, professions that have the potential to make the most positive impact on cultural progress—such as teaching—are consistently near the bottom of the human pay scale, while those who play children’s games for a living make millions of earth dollars per year.”
“Astounding.”
“What’s more, these fully grown children-men are idolized and revered by most everyone in the society—namely the males—despite the children-men’s propensity to disregard the society’s laws and morés, injure one another and themselves with firearms, ingest illegal 
performance-enhancing substances, and generally behave like preteen humans.”
“I must sit,” Captain Vnnn-pu admits. “My drachio-chords. Go on.”
“Those humans with the most varied and abundant life experiences, who would be revered and honored by any thinking society—the elderly—are by and large relegated to the shadows, often to die alone, in poverty, or in dormitory-like detention centers known as care facilities.
“Get this, the humans who vie for public office are most interesting. These humans claim to have ‘the average Joe’s values at heart,’ yet they are generally among the most very wealthy and privileged among them. From my observation, the average human citizen wouldn’t have anywhere near the financial means, the family pedigree, the television actor’s visage, or the innate ability to switch sentiments on a whim as do these humans. A most perplexing and frightening breed.”
“Who are these humans?”
“They call them politicians, Captain. A most untrustworthy type, yet the humans bestow upon them the most power of all, it seems.”
“And this ‘average Joe?’”
Specialist 9Smith mentally shakes his subcranium. “Apparently, not the brightest of creatures.”
“Please, the drachio-chords.”
“Lieutenant Kranki-5, please get the captain a container of neep juice.”
“Is there more?”
“Oh, much, much more, Captain. I will relate only a few, however. This one possibly intrigues me the most. The very nature of accruing wealth is quite obviously tipped in the favor of the already-wealthy humans.”
“What is wealth again, 9Smith?”
“The accumulation of personal currency. Unlike Andromeda, sir, where every citizen is guaranteed equal access to life necessities, here one must earn and trade currency to ensure continued sustenance, care, and shelter.”
“Most curious.”
“It is a true subcranium-scratcher: The cycle of wealth begetting wealth and poverty begetting poverty appears solid and unshakeable. For the large part, it appears the wealthy human tribes will always be the wealthy, and the same with the poor humans. Any real attempt at wealth-sharing appears lacking.
“Also, human corporate leaders—bosses, they are called. In companies large or small, these are the very humans who have no need to park closest to the building because no one apparently cares if they are tardy. Yet, oddly, these are the humans with the most convenient vehicle parking spots.”
“Bosses, eh? Perhaps bosses cannot walk so well.”
“I do not know. But in a related observation, these bosses many times are given personal vehicles free of charge, when their ability to purchase such vehicles is many times greater than those humans who appear to work longer hours and park much farther away.
“Continuing, humans have more work-saving devices and more automated systems than ever in their history, yet this generation seems destined to work many more years of their lives than several generations previous.”
“And why is this?”
“It all has something to do with some dreadful collision.”
“Collision?”
Specialist 9Smith refers to his notes. “Yes, a terrible crash on, let’s see here, Wall Street.”
“Strange. Proceed.”
“More is known now among humans about health and nutrition for young humans, and more affordable access to quality choices for human children is available to more families than at any other time in human history, yet childhood obesity and diabetes appear to be at epidemic proportions—and human childhood hunger remains a problem.
“Additionally, with the advent of cable and satellite, humans now have thousands of television wavelengths available for viewing every night, yet when one mindmelds with the 
humans, it appears the choices of quality programs are nowhere near as desirable as, say, A.D. 1962—when one could choose from among “The Andy Griffith Show,” “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” “Gunsmoke,” or “The Ed Sullivan Show” from among the three network channels the humans had then.”
“Andy Griffith. Was he a great leader?”
“On the local level, yes, Captain. Apparently an outstanding officer of the law.”
“Please, no more, 9Smith, no more. Anything positive to report?”
“Well, yes. One of the culture’s leaders here announced that humans may soon be able to keep their shoes on when they arrive at air travel centers.”
“Shoes?” Captain Vnnn-pu queries. “Why on Andromeda would the humans need to take off their shoes at air travel centers in the first place?”
“It’s a long story, Captain.”
Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat daschund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
oldspouse 
Sir Archie’s ‘Words for the Now’
10 Aprby Roger White
All right, gang, I’m at a bit of a crossroads here. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as big a fan of poet Archie Ferndoodle as anyone, and I consider it an honor to present his unique musings in this forum. But ever since his mom passed away in February at the tender age of 109 (breast implant surgery complications, the poor dear), Sir Archie has taken it upon himself to live with me and my family. Mr. F has seven cats and a dyspeptic parrot that sings ’70s country songs in the dead middle of the
night. If you’ve ever been awakened at 2 a.m. to the strangled strains of “Harper Valley PTA,” you may have an idea of the trauma. And that’s not the worst part. Apparently, Archie is on a strict diet consisting chiefly of pan-fried liver, steamed cabbage, large-curd cottage cheese, and Oreos (with double stuffing). The whole house smells like a marathon gastric bypass surgical procedure.
The wife and kids are calling for drastic action. But I can’t put the guy on the street, can I? He’s a living legend. In fact, just this morning as we were tidying up after Roscoe the Parrot’s . . . uh, indiscretions on my wife’s oriental rug, the Great One handed me his latest. Yes, the former poet laureate of the Greater Southwestern Scribes Society, which meets every third Thursday in the back of Sue’s Salon in Cement, Texas, has done it again. (And remember, if you mention this column at Sue’s Salon, you get a coupon for 7 percent off of her patented orange-mint hair removal paste. It really works, too. Sue’s upper lip looks fantastic!)
Sir Archie has decided of late that many of our old standards—proverbs, parables, fables, and the like—are in desperate need of updating to more accurately reflect our life and times today. So the Great One has blessed us with his latest work: “Words for the Now.”
So without further ado, I give you Sir Archie Ferndoodle:
“Words for the Now”
by Archie Ferndoodle
If at first you don’t succeed,
Apply for a government bailout.
Slow and steady never goes viral.
One bad apple lands a reality television show.
Two wrongs make a nifty presidential debate.
Early to bed and early to rise requires Ambien and amphetamines.
A Rolling Stone gathers retirement benefits by now, surely.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be; now, regulatory agent, that’s where the safe money is.
This above all: of thine own self promote like crazy.
All that glitters isn’t gold, but all that’s gold can be sold 24 hours a day at Achmed’s Gold Emporium & Pawn.
A penny saved is a colossal waste of time.
What’s good for the goose probably doesn’t contain enough artificial growth hormone.
A bird in the hand is worth a couple rounds of Avian Flu H5N1 vaccinations.
It’s always darkest before the energy companies invest in their infrastructure.
A friend in need is everybody not in the “5 percent.”
A man’s home is his castle until it becomes the bank’s castle.
Speak softly and carry a stun gun.
Practice makes perfect, but it still can’t beat steroids.
Laughter is the best medicine unless you can afford real medicine.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’ll sue your butt for everything you’ve got, including mental distress and anguish.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but defriending me on Facebook? Now, that really hurts.
Actions speak louder than words, but rumors are even louder.
A stitch in time is not as easy as Velcro.
Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.
Tags: Culture, Humor, Life, Living, Musings, parody, popular culture