I Give You the Cheetoh’s “Beltway to Heaven”

27 Jan

by Roger White


Oh, my dear discombobulated disciples. Oh, my concerned cosmic cadets. Oh. Oh. … and another oh. If you’re of my ilk and persuasion, these last few days have been nothing short of the Rod Serling variety. Real life transpiring before our very peepers in the Washington of D.C. vicinity has been so unbelievably medulla-twisting that my hand shakes too much to even give you an offering. So I’m typing this with my feet.


It is at times such as this (the last time being about the McCarthy era) that I find I can only express myself through song or poem. Since I have absolutely no ability to write an original song or poem, I will kidnap one. So, seeing as how I am so utterly gobsmacked that I can only send my missives to you through song, here, then, is my rendition of “Beltway to Heaven,” penned to the tune of Zeppelin’s classic, “Stairway to Same.”


Note: If you can’t play “Stairway” in your head as you read on, then this will make no sense to you whatsoever and you will become convinced that my brain has been pecked by pigeons. The latter may be true, of course, but proceed, if you will:


There’s a man in D.C., as crude as he can be,

And his massive ego rules his obsession.


When he can’t get what he wants, then he whines and he taunts,

And his mind swims with revenge and oppression.


Oooh, oooo-oooh, and his lunacy may send us all to heaven.


The story we know by rote; he lost the popular vote,

’Cause all the Mexican rapists voted against him.


Tho his reasoning is cracked, he cites alternative facts

To convince us all how bigly we will win.


Oooh, oooo-ooh, and the Doomsday Clock is long past eleven.


There’s a feeling we get, that our nation’s trade debt

Will soon be the largest in history.


Yes, he’s gonna build the wall, so huge and bigly tall,

And how Mexico will pay is still a mystery.


Oooh, oooo-ooh, and his lunacy may send us all to heaven.


And it’s whispered that soon, that this faux-tanned orange goon

Will steal the oil from all Middle East nations.


And a new day will dawn, yes, World War III he will spawn,

And the world will fall into desolation.


Oooh, oooo-ooh, and I doubt this clown will make it to heaven.


(picking up the tempo now)


If there’s an immigrant in your way,

Hey, torture’s OK,

Just call the Feds and he’s long gone.


Yes, there are two paths you can go by,

But Cheetoh’s our guy,

Who needs brains when you have brawn?


Oooooh, but it makes me wonder.


His head’s inflated, his life is cushy,

He grabs your p—y,

David Duke and Putin are his friends.


Dear Donnie, can you hear the marchers?

Call forth your archers

To defend your kingdom from the women.


(kicking it in!)


And as we wind on down the road

Through his narcissistic episodes,

Our world standing soon erodes,

Our health care flushed down the commode,


He promised work for the common man,

But where’s his great master jobs plan?

Please tell us so we’ll understand,

You hold us all in your small hands.

Don’t be a rock if you can’t roollllll………..


And he’s pushing us all to Armageddon.


Roger White is a freelance something-or-other living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a morbidly obese but mannered dachshund, and a cat with Epstein-Barr Syndrome. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.




9 Responses to “I Give You the Cheetoh’s “Beltway to Heaven””

  1. Doc January 27, 2017 at 5:30 pm #

    This is awesome…….(and, trust me, I rarely comment on-line to ANY venue). Did you watch his interview with Muir the other night? Unbelievable……….and frightening to think this loon is our president……

    • oldspouse January 27, 2017 at 6:47 pm #

      Thanks, Doc. And yes. He’s a dangerous adolescent. And that’s insulting adolescents everywhere.

  2. Ingrid January 27, 2017 at 6:27 pm #

    Ha! What fun I had trying to sing it. Very well done Rodja!

    • oldspouse January 27, 2017 at 6:44 pm #

      Thank ya kindly, Ingy. Clownboy is such column fodder.

  3. kay birdwell January 28, 2017 at 1:39 pm #

    One of your best; funny and frighteningly true.

    • oldspouse January 28, 2017 at 2:28 pm #

      Thanks, Kay. Can’t decide to laugh hysterically or weep uncontrollably.

  4. Margy February 6, 2017 at 1:51 pm #

    If bitching and complaining really worked, then Trump would have disappeared in a puff of smoke. But he didn’t, nor did all the good folks like you who are as capable as Trump in being nasty and vile sounding. Thankfully, it is very easy for me to unfollow, unfeed, and/or unfriend people instead of intensely disliking them. Bye.

    • oldspouse February 6, 2017 at 1:58 pm #

      Bye, Margy. Here’s hoping the Cheetoh does disappear in a puff of smoke. He’s a vile child. So long.

      • oldspouse February 6, 2017 at 2:13 pm #

        Ya know, before you go, Margy, you might think about your comment a bit. You said that folks like me are “as capable as Trump in being nasty and vile-sounding…” Dear Lord, Margy, that’s my point. I’m not the leader of the free world. One would think our dear president would be above being “nasty and vile-sounding,” wouldn’t one? But no, Cheetoh is the epitome of it. (Look up epitome, if you need to.)

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