The Nitrous Before Christmas

26 Dec

by Roger White


’Twas the week before Christmas, and into my face

I stuffed all sorts of candies, cookies, and delectibles saccharase.


The fillings of my molars were hard-pressed to hold firm,

And sure enough one crumbled, oh, how I did squirm.


A frantic call to the dentist, dear ol’ Doctor Devry,

Set the rescue in motion, oh, why, Doctor, why?


So the doc with her toolkit filled me kindly with gas

For hours full of grinding, what a pain in the ass.


While high on the nitrous, why, what should appear,

But Santa and his elves and nine purple reindeer.


Away to the rinse basin I flew like a flash

To tell doc of this miracle, this was better than hash!


As I rinsed and I spat, Santa called them by name,

On Jimi, on Janis, on Jerry, and whatshisname,


To the top of the room! To the top of the office!

When the nitrous wears off, he may try to off us!


As round Frisbees before the concert fly

When meet with an officer mount for the sky,


So up through the HVAC system they flew,

Santa and his rockin’ reindeer and Jerry Lee, too.


And then in a twinkling I heard on the ceiling,

A prancing and pawing, or maybe my brain was peeling,


As I drew in my head and was turning around,

Doc Devry came with more gas, whoopee, another round!


She was dressed all in fur or maybe it was double-knit,

Man, this nitrous was some really good sh*t.


A bundle of tools she had in each hand,

Hell, I didn’t care, I was feeling mighty grand.


Her eyes how they twinkled, she was enjoying this parade!

Dentists must study at the School of Marquis de Sade.


My droll little mouth by now was quite numb

Even while she made mincemeat of my teeth and my gums.


The beard of her chin was as white as the snow,

Wait, that’s her mask, ooh, look how it glows.


The light on her head looked alien in a way,

Or somehow transcendent like Faye Dunaway.


She had a broad face and she pressed on my belly

To get a better angle at her grinding so smelly.


She was chubby and plump, or maybe it was the gas,

’cause now she had three eyes and smelled like sassafras.


I laughed as she drilled in spite of myself,

Then I saw all her books melt off the shelf.


A wink of her eye and a 360 twist of her head

Made me realize this was best left unsaid.


She spoke not a word but kept straight at her work,

While I counted the rhinos and tried not to jerk.


And laying her finger aside of my nose,

She said stop sucking on the vacuum hose.


Then she sprang from the chair, to her assistant gave a whistle,

“Help Mr. White,” said she. “He’s ready for dismissal.”


But I heard her exclaim as she put away her drill,

“You feel happy now, wait’ll you get my bill.”


Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit


One Response to “The Nitrous Before Christmas”

  1. psychowatcher December 26, 2011 at 5:42 am #

    : )

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