by Roger White
Ah, my fellow life travelers, sometimes the gods smile. Sometimes they merely grin. Other times they smirk or give you that suspicious kind of offhand stare that makes you think you really messed up this time. Here’s a tip: When the gods stare at you like that, just act like you know what you’re doing. Laugh it up, even. This confuses them.
Well, I must say that the gods are grinning right about now because I believe it was more than simple serendipity that I happened upon a fantastic cache of tiny little college football helmets at the exact moment I realized it was time once again for another interactive column. Huzzah! And Boing, even!
You see, the last time we did this, all I had to offer as prize-ola was my handy little stash of tiny little National Football League helmets. This go-round, however, we include the college ranks. So that means that yes, you, Nancy Arbuckle of Stink Holler, North Carolina, could own your very own tiny little University of North Carolina football helmet if you are our lucky winner.
We’re upping the ante. Can you feel the tension?
If you understand none of this so far, you are perfectly normal. Do not adjust your set.
All of this pabulum and hoo-hah is merely to announce the coming of the Second Biennial Oldspouse Familiar Phrase Contest. Yea! Clang the clangers! Watch it, move aside for the marching band. Man, those elephants need a bath, yow. Gotta love a parade, though.
So here ya are. What we have here are 30 (count ’em, 30) phrases that just aren’t quite right somehow. It is your job to decipher, decode, and determine the more popular versions of these sayings. Get it?
First three humans (I will accept cats, also) to respond with the correct answers win a tiny little college football helmet of your choice! Hot dog! I mean, cat! This is more exciting than the time my sister got kicked in the mouth during a cheerleading contest at SMU and we all had to go to Parkland Hospital!
Good luck, players:
1. I got here, I looked around, I kicked some tail.
2. This is not completed until such time as the rather obese female vocalizes harmoniously.
3. What is the latest information, feline?
4. An official state of hostility between nations equals Hades.
5. Don’t mooch things off other people and don’t loan out your stuff, either.
6. Each visible atmospheric body of fine water particles contains a sterling hem.
7. Being dumb is tantamount to ecstasy.
9. I am currently wedged amidst a naturally formed mass of mineral and an area that would not qualify as soft.
10. From the surface of a shallow cooking utensil to the rapid, persistent chemical reaction that releases heat and light.
11. The domicile of a male homosapien equals that male homosapien’s fortified feudal stronghold.
12. Bequeath unto him a twelfth of a foot, and he will acquire 5,280 feet.
13. In what manners do I really, really like you? Where’s the calculator?
14. Like a cold-blooded aquatic vertebrate of the pisces class nowhere near the H20.
15. The puny, soft-spoken guys will get the third planet from the sun.
16. A threaded knot at the appropriate interval precludes the necessity for three squared.
18. A state of mutual affection equals not apologizing.
19. This 24-hour period is the initial 24-hour period of the remainder of your physical existence.
20. Hades doesn’t get as angry as an irate female.
21. The arena of public office-holding creates weird bunkies.
22. Mammalian vital fluid is more viscous than melted ice.
23. The atmosphere is the boundary.
24. Amalgamated, our posture is upright; split apart, we hit the floor.
25. The precipitation in the northern Iberian Peninsula comes down principally on the flatlands.
26. Messing up is a homosapien trait; pardoning the mess-up is godlike.
27. Devotion has no eyesight.
28. Consume, imbibe, and laugh it up, because two days after yesterday we could kick the bucket.
29. Everything being labor and nothing being recreation forces Jill’s boyfriend to become an unexciting young male.
30. Being really smug and happy with yourself precedes a sudden drop.
Ah, yes, my dear friend Ingrid informed me that I didn’t tell you how to respond. Silly details. You can e-mail me at email@example.com. Or you can hand deliver your answers on an ungreased baking pan to 16 Shropshire Lane, Gough Island, South Atlantic Ocean OL557.
Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.