Public Notice: Now Seeking Repumocrat Party Supporters

26 Jun

by Roger White

            Enough! Enough, already. Attention, all dogma-driven talking heads, all self-serving politicos, all idiotically uncompromising ideologues—and, yes, all fallow-minded followers: shut up. Please, please, shut the hell up.

            In this high-wire act of a column, in a squeaky office chair some two and a half feet off the ground (without a net, mind you), I am going to attempt one of the most dangerous, possibly career-ending maneuvers ever risked by an aging, pot-bellied freelancer with two mortgages. I am going to ruminate on politics without straying one iota from the fence. I vow to roundly box the ears of both donkey and elephant alike.

            In fact, it is my goal to shred these stubborn creatures to the point that, when I am finished, there will be only pieces left to fashion one political animal: the donkephant. Could make an elekey, I suppose, but donkephant sounds better.

            Seriously, folks, the middle path is the only way out of this terrific mess we’re in today. Don’t you think? Never in my [mumble] years on this little planet have I witnessed the viciousness of partisan politics as it exists now. The oft-used cliché is “rancor.” Oh, the partisan rancor. Kids, this puny word falls far short in describing what’s transpiring in D.C., on the talk-and-shout shows, and in state capitol buildings of late. This is akin to calling World War II “a bit of rancor among the countries.” A more appropriate term for today’s political divide might be unlimited nuclear warfare.

            In the nasty climate du jour, compromise is a dirty word. Negotiation is a black mark on a Congressional resumé. Truth is an opinion, either red or blue. And progress is sacrificed. We have not only the politicians and money-grubbing media to blame; we have to hold ourselves accountable, too. But who am I kidding—it’s approximately 97 percent politicians and the media.

            You can basically lump your elected officials and the news hounds in the same group: They’re both out for No. 1; they’ll say just about anything to keep their ratings high; and they wouldn’t tell you a real truth even if they had an intelligent grasp of what it is.

            How’m I doing so far? I’m a little queasy from the view up here.

            Real people—Redcrests, Bluetails, Independents, and every other feather in between—are sick to death of nothing of real consequence ever being accomplished in Washington because the two major factions under the big dome are too busy bashing each other like Punch and Judy.

            And we follow along, don’t we? Brainwashed to the point of demonizing the party we oppose instead of trying to see the other side, even for a minute.

            Think about it. (Here’s where it’s going to get tough. My chair’s getting a tad wobbly.) Let’s look at guns. As I launch into this, understand that I’m painting with a broad, flat, over-generalizing brush, so bear with me. By and large, conservatives believe guns are necessary for self-protection; liberals think the proliferation of guns means more deadly violence. The real thing we’re after here is personal safety. In the larger picture, both sides would rather not have a criminal kick down their door and savage their family—it’s the means of achieving the same goal we’re debating. Mostly.

            Abortion? (Boy, it’s getting tougher. A crowd’s gathering below me. Helloooo down there!) Conservatives say this is taking a life; liberals say what about the desperate life of the unwanted child? Bigger picture—both sides, if they’re sincere, are wrestling with the issue of basic human rights.

            Government. Hmmm. Let’s pick just an aspect here; this is a big, steaming hunk of rancor. How about social welfare? Let me just say I believe in my little ol’ heart of hearts that both factions don’t want to see weathered stick figures on the roadside carrying “Will Work for Food” signs and old ladies dining on Alpo. Some see it as the government’s role to provide; some believe it is the purview of private enterprise and charities. Again, means, not end, is the rub.

            There must be room for, gulp, compromise. Hey, I said it! Felt good, actually. Look, if the Israelis and Palestinians can make noises about peace talks, maybe Republicans and Democrats can, too.

            Remember the big Congressional “prom” at President Obama’s 2011 State of the Union address? When members of opposing parties sat together to show unison in the wake of Representative Gabrielle Giffords’ ghastly shooting? I think some wore corsages. As laughingly transparent as that move was, it made me think. We should form a new party—not independent, not extremist, but one that seeks common ground whenever possible.

            We’ll call it the Repumocrat Party. Our mascot, of course, will be the donkephant. Our color will be purple (red + blue, natch). We shall not use the words “staunch,” “never,” “always,” “left,” “right,” or any term including the words “wing,” “trending,” or “spin.” Our goal will be the greater truth always, our motto: “Ends matter, means are negotiable.” We’ll start a TV channel that features only good news. Station NAGS—News About Good Stuff.

            I’m thinking we’ll need a fundraiser to get us off the schneid. Hundred bucks a plate perhaps, payable to oldspouse.com. We’ll need a party chairman—that will be me, thank you very much. I’ll work away from the spotlight, in the wings, and I vow never to stray from our staunch principles. I promise that the Repumocrats will always seek what is right and that no one will be left behind. How are we trending thus far?

            OK, I’ll shut the hell up. The fall from my chair has me in a spin.

 

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat dachshund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

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10 Responses to “Public Notice: Now Seeking Repumocrat Party Supporters”

  1. Chase McFadden June 26, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    The middle means level-headed and common sense. That’d be refreshing. Sign me up.

  2. Pam June 27, 2011 at 7:21 am #

    Here, here!! I’m with you, Roger—do you have a sign I can put in my yard?

    • Ingrid Caldwell June 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

      Love the purple donkephant! I may become a citizen afterall, just so I can vote for you!

  3. Trinity River June 29, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    YES YES .. A thousand times YES. Stole the words out of my mouth. Well ok, you said much better that I ever could or tried to say. I am convinced that the US and the media has become infected with some sort of political rabies. The symptoms are hysteria, foaming out the mouth and blaming the other guy. I’m going to send this to Mr. Husband and say THIS is what I’ve been trying to say to for 7 damn years. I’ve threatened to murder his TV on several occasions. Sign me up, have a virtual convention. I’ll drive to Austin and register today!

    • oldspouse June 29, 2011 at 4:31 pm #

      Thanks, Trinity!
      I like your site. And I remember well the Trinity River. DFW is my old stomping grounds.

  4. caeser97 August 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    I can’t wait for someone to run for senate under the Repumocrat party! Our generation shall usher in a new era of political truth and compromise!!!

    • oldspouse August 3, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

      If only, young Caeser. If only.

  5. poohzcrew February 15, 2017 at 6:14 pm #

    Um, I just wanted to note that my dear friend, Deborah Blanchard, coined the term “purple donkephant” and designed the little circular badge you have up there, back in early 2009. I went looking for her original blog about it, the one where all of our sisters and SILs came together to decide what such a creature might look like, and found your blog claiming it instead. If you want to be a purple donkephant, too, we are happy to add to our numbers, but you might want to consider some attribution. Thanks.

    • oldspouse February 17, 2017 at 8:30 am #

      Hey, poohzcrew. My apologies! I actually just conjured up the term “donkephant” without looking up anything because I was so frustrated with the political atmosphere. But when I googled the term, lo and behold, there was the wonderful creature. So, yes, by all means, all credit to Deborah Blanchard and poohzcrew for the great artwork that is the purple donkephant!!

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