I Am Not a Bear

4 Mar

by Roger White

But I play one on TV.

I must warn you from the start that this column is being written while six women sit not 20 feet from me talking about elective surgery and some sort of body treatments that involve the words exfoliation and rehydrating emollients. Be very quiet.

From the over-the-cubie talk I can’t help but pick up, it’s a wonder that my big paws can navigate this keyboard with any dexterity at all. Cause I be a may-un. Two syllables. May-un.

…asfkjjjjjjjjjjjjai67e. Oops. Sorry. Big paws on wrong keys. Burp. Ha ha.

As the token male in an area full of . . . well, you know, females, I have some observations I can no longer keep from spewing forth. So here I spew. When . . . well, you know, females, get together, the conversation inevitably meanders to grousing about males. Either the lack thereof, or the preponderance thereof, or the despicable traits inherent to the species. There are either too many men or not enough men or not the right kind of men or why can’t men be women with outdoor plumbing, etc.

From my keen eavesdropping talent, I have compiled the following list of Top 10 Female Gripes About Men. Highly unscientific, I know, but hey, I’m not writing for the Journal of the American Medical Association here. Drumroll, please:

Gripe No. 10: Men don’t understand the aesthetic importance of socks. Even if the male has slowly and painfully learned how to quasi-coordinate clothing and keep such personal hygiene items as fingernails and nostril hair under control, we still don’t get it when it comes to socks. We can be as natty as all get out: blue pinstripes, dashing red tie, crisp white shirt, cuff links, stick pin (cue ZZ), BUT: lavender polka-dot hosiery.

Reason: They’re socks, for crying out loud. Nothing more than underwear for the feet. In fact, did you know that in the alternate universe of Cygnus Y-5, socks are called feetpanties? Should we really care this much about socks? I don’t think so.

Gripe No. 9: If a man had to choose between (A) an evening filled with a free candlelight dinner for two at Fogo de Chao, a moonlit carriage ride through downtown, and unbridled passion by the fireplace at the Presidential Suite of the Driskill Hotel, or (B) catching the fifth game of the Texas Rangers-New York Yankees ALCS, the decision would be a nailbiter.

Reason: What can I say? That competition gene, ya know, handed down through the ages, from having to hunt for food, decipher curveball velocity, and all that. Grunt. This is how our species has stayed alive, ya know. Please remember this when you see us watching sports. It’s all about survival.

Gripe No. 8: Men never ask directions. Aah, cliche, but true. I once lapped the entire Texas Panhandle several times before giving up and inquiring at a Texaco as to how to gain entrance to Palo Duro Canyon.

Reason: We didn’t know we were lost. You think Ponce de Leon asked directions? He was an adventurer, damn it. Where’s the pioneer spirit? Ooh, look at the gauge, we need gas. And some jerky.

Gripe No. 7: Men never really listen when women are talking. Yeah, I attended a good seminar about this. The lady was a top-notch speaker, good-looking, too. Legs! Yow. She had three major points. They were . . . uh.

Reason: I’m sorry, what?

Gripe No. 6: Men just don’t get it.

Reason: I’m not sure I understand the complaint. Don’t get what? Define it.

Gripe No. 5: Men are simply bears with clothing. I’ve heard this often, and since I’ve never seen a bear with pants on, I can’t comment intelligently. So what’s wrong with using one’s sleeve as a hankie? It’s right there, and it’s my sleeve.

Reason: We are simply more casual. Informal. Women can be informal, too, if you work at it. Like washing your hands after going number one. That’s actually optional. Crumbs on the couch? Duh. That’s why they make the cushions removable. Into the couch cave with ye!

Gripe No. 4: Men tend to hog the conversation. I wasn’t aware of this problem, were you? Never mind, this guy gave me a great tip about rewiring the DVD player to get free cable, check it out…

Reason: This is a business gripe only. If you were a fly on the wall when these men get home, boy oh…

Gripe No. 3: Men are lazy. I had a great backup statement here, but I couldn’t download it off the computer. And you should see how much there was to key in. Sheesh.

Reason: How many times do we have to tell you? We’re pacing ourselves. There’s a difference. It’s a long road, you know.

Gripe No. 2: Men do half the work for twice the pay.

Reason: Uh, anybody want to field this one? Anyone? Bueller?

And the No. 1 Gripe About Men according to my highly unscientific over-the-cubie observations of women I know: Men emit sounds loud enough to frighten away livestock.

Reason: Men, men, men, men…It’s good to be on a ship with men, men,

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat daschund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.

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7 Responses to “I Am Not a Bear”

  1. B J Beesley March 4, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    Always an interest in your column.Excellent reading from a brillant mind.The material is well written. Don’t change a thing,Comments from Everman,Tx.Someone you know.

  2. sandy March 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    Great post, Roger. It could have been my cubicle you were overhearing, if I had a cubicle, that is.

    So, let me take a stab at “it” – it being the female perspective. Say, understanding how important it is to express feelings, not just ideas or plans or the free throw percentage of every player in the NBA. You know, feelings, the horrifying “F” word?

    Which gives me an idea for your next column – how do you “feel” about women spending so much time talking about you?

  3. banana freud March 5, 2011 at 1:44 am #

    Polka dot socks I can take. It’s the no sock look, a la California living, that I don’t like.

  4. ryekatcher March 6, 2011 at 3:26 am #

    LOL. I am sorry that all I can write is some short, chatty computer lingo but it is the only way to describe your article. So well put. Thank you for more ammunition for my anti-men arguments. I was running low and this is what I needed. Never thought of some of those 🙂

    Thank you for my morning humor. This is what I need to start off my days. Keep writing so I can keep laughing.

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  1. These Posts Cracked Me Up, Read It! « Mademoisellelayla's Mind - March 25, 2011

    […] 2) I Am Not A Bear […]

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