Tired of Your Unwanted Gold? And Other Stuff

25 Feb

by Roger White

I can’t make up stuff to write about that is any sillier than real life. And if I did make it up, you wouldn’t read it because you would say, “Oh, he’s just making that stuff up, and it’s silly.” But you do read this stuff because you know I’m not making it up because I wouldn’t be silly enough to make this stuff up. This is real stuff, and that’s why it’s funny. And isn’t “stuff” a funny word? Say it out loud. Stuff. See? Kind of like rhubarb.

Here’s an example of the stuff I’m talking about—and I promise not to say “stuff” any further in this venue. Have you seen the TV commercial in which the benevolent, dulcimer-toned gentleman asks if you are tired of your unwanted gold? I kid you not, this is a genuine television commercial. And when I saw this one, it was one of those coffee-spewing moments. Got Folger’s all over the dog.

In the ad, this poor woman is at her cluttered and unkempt jewelry box, surrounded by junky mounds of tasteless gold bracelets, rings, necklaces, and tacky Krugerrand coins. The horror. But, thanks to Gold-Away (name changed to protect the perpetrators), she can send all that pesky gold (in an envelope, mind you!) off to Connecticut – why is it always Connecticut? – and even get some money in return!

Yes, not only is this beleaguered gal now able to shed those unsightly precious metals, she gets paid for it. Something along the lines of $5.00 per pound!

The only thing more stunning to me than the premise of this commercial is the fact that it has been running for months—which means it must be working! Try as I might, I just can’t imagine the scenario. But here goes:

“Damn it, hon, if I trip over any of this gold bullion one more time, I’m gonna fling the cat! Why do we have all this old, klunky gold lying around?”

“Now, Jethro, don’t get yer antlers all twisted. We can send it off to Gold-Away in these here special envelopes, and they’ll take care of it for us.”

“Well, thank heaven for Gold-Away. I think I broke my big toe.”

The same principle (that principle being, of course, taking as much advantage of the feeble-minded as is corporately possible) applies to just about anything and everything produced by a certain mint named after the bespectacled philosopher-statesman who got struck by lightning whilst flying his kite. I won’t mention the mint by name for fear of legal action, but let’s just call it the Benjamin Mint.

Have you seen what these guys are offering? Get this, you can purchase, for example, the entire 11-coin Sacagawea 2000-2010 Dollar Collection—if you act now!—for only $99.00. The mint fails to mention that each of these rare coins is worth precisely one dollar each, and they’re all in circulation. So if you go to the laundromat or get change from Starbucks often enough, you’ll find them. For, oh, about eleven bucks. Total.

Ah, but this particular Sacagawea set comes in a handsomely crafted box with crushed velvet and shellac and all that, the Benjamin people will argue. My answer, Hobby Lobby, ten bucks.

It gets worse. I shall now read from the brochure: “These coins are made from pure copper with a manganese brass outer clad!” What do they think the Sacagaweas on the street are made of—tomato aspic?

Again, this is real life. Why would I lie?

It is the apparent success of ads and commercials such as these that dims my hopes for this mighty nation. And more importantly, it makes me almost want to stop watching TV. Almost. Instead, I keep one of those nifty foam bricks within arm’s reach of the recliner. A well-aimed toss of this baby right into the kisser of the benevolent, dulcimer-toned Gold-Away man does wonders for the blood pressure.

I was lucky to get my foam brick, too. There was a limited supply, the guy said, and I called just within the 20-minute window to get the insider’s deal. Sweet.

Roger White is a freelance writer living in Austin, Texas, with his lovely wife, two precocious daughters, a very fat daschund, and a self-absorbed cat. For further adventures, visit oldspouse.wordpress.com.


7 Responses to “Tired of Your Unwanted Gold? And Other Stuff”

  1. Skylar February 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

    Lmfao. My snickers caused by this jolted my cat awake. I was just going to write something about this, because it’s so true. I can only imagine the people sitting at home, nodding their heads to the commercial and thinking “FINALLY, A SOLUTION!”

  2. leila February 25, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    I already sent my old gold away. Is there any place I can send my old luxury cars or my old vacation homes?

  3. w8inglong February 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    Expensive lesson: A neighbor sent her wedding set. She wasn’t worried they promised to return her gold if she wasn’t satisfied. 4 weeks later a check for $70 arrived. She wasn’t happy so she returned the check. In less than a week her wedding set was returned. When she called them to say the diamonds had been removed they repeated “Her gold was returned.”

  4. KAT February 26, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    Jerry Seinfeld would be proud!!

    • coffee yogurt February 28, 2011 at 8:28 am #

      I can’t imagine either scenario. Having so much gold laying around that I need a place to mail it off. Or, being trusting enough to put my gold in an envelope and mail off to some unknown company.

  5. Sharah Seksi February 28, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    Emm Cool

    • Trinity River March 2, 2011 at 1:27 pm #

      The concept of unwanted gold has always struckme funny also. It is even more silly than the concept of leftover wine.

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